Often we all end up saying Yes to a request when we really want to say No

Here are 5 easy ways to help us to understand if we really need to say No.

1. Take a breath and don’t answer right away. You can say, “Let me check my calendar,” or “Let me think about it and get right back to you.” And do that within a day or two. If it is a very important request or from a very dear person, you might want to do suggestion #3.

2. Ask yourself what would be your motivation for saying yes. This is really a deep question that has its roots in your childhood. We try to get our parents to love us by trying to please them. Then we transfer that and become people pleasers as we grow up. Is our motivation to be accepted and liked? This is an issue we all struggle with until we learn little by little to listen to our inner voice and know that we are authentic with our soul. Might your motivation be to reciprocate from a kindness the person showed you? If so, maybe you can reciprocate another time. And you can always be gracious with your refusal.

3. Talk to your soul. Your deepest self always knows what is best for you. You can do this with meditation. Meditating stops our sometimes frantic thoughts and allows issues to become more clear. Meditation allows your soul to speak.

4. Do you use a pendulum? A pendulum can also give direction. If you don’t have one, visit a crystal shop. Pendulums are very personalized and you need to find one that responds to you. Ask the pendulum, “Show me yes.” “Show me no.” Then ask, “Should I _____,” and a pendulum may give a Yes or No indication.

5. You can always change your mind. If you already told the person Yes and are having second thoughts, you can always contact them and say No, with an apology. You can say something like, “____, after giving this some thought, I don’t think this is going to work for me. I’m sorry. I’d love to help you another time. Keep me in mind.” Or something like that.

The Transformation Issue: 

Saying Yes when you really want to say No is no small issue but just the tip of an iceberg.  The issue is self-love. 

When we were babies we were totally dependent on someone else for our needs – for nourishment, for cleanliness, for safety, for love. We were not born with the strong instincts of other animals who could leave their mothers fairly soon after birth. Now, as adults, we are expected to fulfill our needs ourselves. Most of us do that quite well, except with love issues. Most of us still look outside ourselves for love rather than developing self-love. We often struggle, looking to others for approval, to like us, to fit in, for acceptance, for a soul mate.  

Saying Yes when you really want to say No is an issue of looking to others for acceptance vs. being authentic and being led by your own instincts and love of self. Self-love is not being selfish but having response-ability rather than being a doormat and a victim.  

Response-ability is setting boundaries. It is authentic to say No when needed and not let people walk all over you. This is true love for yourself. One doesn’t have to stay in relationships that are harmful, be it a marriage or just a next-door neighbor who has nothing nice to say about anything. Saying No opens the door for the next best thing to enter.  

Developing self-love is a lifelong process.  

•    First is recognizing where one looks to others for love rather than self. 

•    Second is accepting one’s whole self, especially one’s negative traits, realizing we’re all human. And accepting our inner voice, our intuition. 

•    Third is forgiving one’s self for any harm we feel we may have done to ourselves, others, and our environment.  

•    Fourth is finding one’s passion in life so that the scale is tipped and one is energized, creatively giving love to others more than wanting love from others.  

Questions to ponder:

1. What did you discover about yourself with the puzzle piece on self-love?
2. Where do you experience self-love? Where could you improve?

Email me and let me know if these comments have been helpful. I’d love to hear from you.   Pat McCulley   TransformAcad4u@gmail.com 

©The Transformation Academy 2021